7:20pm In shower in preparation for 7:30 screening. Scrubbing hard as it is important to be presentable for the hobbits.
7:22pm Out of shower and getting changed when I receive a message from my friend Brian that he’s running late and we’ll have to go to the 9pm session instead. Brian is a longtime friend, and we saw the first two movies together, so we had to watch the final instalment together to complete our journey into manhood together. We are kind of like Sam and Frodo that way, except for the fact that I look more like the jolly green giant than a hobbit and he looks like the little chinese kid from Raiders of the Lost Ark that keeps saying “Doctor Jones! Doctor Jones!” the entire movie. Also I don’t believe we’ve ever had the hobbit sex, not that I can recall anyway.
At this time I am also informed that my twin sisters will also be attending the same session that I am with a friend of theirs. This is bad news for one of them as she is a ringnut and seen the movie 4 times already. She knows I will ruin it for her with dumb questions and getting too excited every time the hobbits look like doing it. She also knows that I wasn’t blown away by the first two movies, so there is a high possibility of fisticuffs and hairpulling between us if I don’t like the movie. I now have 90 minutes to kill, I decide to wank.
7:24pm Still have 90 minutes to kill, so it’s off to the local gambling establishment until the movie starts to collect easy money from some investments to fund my movie-going experience. I am known as the white wizard by my bookmaker.
9:01pm I arrive at the cinema a little worse for wear, and miraculously with some money in pocket. Of course there are massive queues for tickets, good thing twin number 1 is on the case knowing I’d be a slack ass and bought my ticket already. I pay her in loose change for her trouble and bitch her out for not buying me a slurpie or a can of puddin’. The party of 6 are altogether and go in for movie action.
9:03pm My sister’s little fat friend got the aisle seat instead of me. But I’m twice as long and need somewhere to stick my legs. My bad vibes are bringing everyone down already.
9:07pm Ads. Apparently Sony want me to pay lots of hard-lost gambling dollars for a fancy new cellphone that I can take pictures of a squirrels with, even from behind a wall. Then I can doodle pictures of cartoon squirrels on the phone then send it to a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls, who then pass the picture on to their design team and create an army of moving life-like squirrels that will be used to take over the earth and store imaginary nuts for me, to hibernate with Japanese schoolgirls during the winter. Why didn’t I think of that use for a phone, it’s so practical. Innovation!
9:13pm Preview trailers. Jack Nicholson is a creepy guy that young and old women alike, really, really want to sleep with. Maybe I will get the sex too after my mid-life crisis. Can’t wait.
Ewan McGregor is Forrest Gump II.
9:18pm Movie starts. I liked the beginning well enough, had some useful exposition for someone like me who has never and never will read the books. Apparently some people who have read the book didn’t think this was well-done. Two hobbits rub-a-dub-dubbing in a tub, oh it’s not the two I had expected. Do they all spend time in bathtubs? And what is with the male hobbit twosomes? Are they strict adherents to the buddy system in the shire? So much so that you must keep that buddy you are assigned at birth until death do you part. Well, Smeagol just decided it was time for these buddies to part and gives the Homer treatment to lil’ Bart until he don’t breathe no more. It was a good scene. Said a lot about Sam as far as I was concerned, and really set him up to be the star of this particular part of the trilogy. Smeagol gets the ring, but it is obviously not the ring of confidence as his teeth go from shocking to Eastern European. Is the bad teeth a shoutout to me? Hmm…possibly. I was not asking all these questions outloud by the way, they were saved until later.
9:28pm I have dozed off.
9:29pm Awake again, damn I not going to be able to catch up and follow what has happened in the movie now.
9:31pm Smeagol is plotting to kill the hobitses, speaking outloud to himself, Disney villain style. I have no money, so I’m plotting to steal peanut M&Ms off Brian. He’s fine with me grabbing a handful, but gives me a look letting me know that I shouldn’t have stuck my wanking hand into his box of chocolates. I use the left to eat for the rest of the movie.
9:38pm The other two hobbits celebrate the earlier victory with smoking, dancing and frivolity. No sex yet. Old man is not impressed, so he takes Pippin’s ball and his stick and goes home.
9:43pm Pippin can’t sleep due to sexual frustration so plays with his ball instead. But in middle earth, bad things happen when you play with your balls, and he gets 10,000 volts. He is saved by the others and is reasonably fine, as the shock did naught but spike up the def leppard hair. Oh, and now he is in danger. The eye has fingered him as the ring person, Merry is the opposite with Pippin now, so it’s a double-dink on the white horse to some castle.
9:50pm Frodo is sticking up for the Gollum. I don’t understand this whole Frodo’s belief in the good of Gollum part of the story and kind of takes away from the bond he and Sam are supposed to have, when he gets in between them. I really don’t know what to make of the Frodo character, I understand he carries the burden of the ring and is willing to make a great sacrifice, but he does little else to get me in his corner. He and Legolas are the two members of the fellowship I feel most detached from.
10:05pm Liv Tyler is a mighty pretty elf. Hugo Weaving is a scary looking elf. She sees a little fat kid eating some dirt and decides she wants that for herself. The little fat kid, not the dirt. So she tells Agent Smith she wants to remain inside the Matrix to be with her twue love. He hooks up to the matrix to produce a sword and program some more emotions into Liv, so she is now human or something.
10:30pm There’s a lot more happening in this movie than the first. To me, it doesn’t seem to be dragging as much and is keeping my interest. I think there’s some more fighting between Smeagol and the fatty boombaladah here, the audience are well and truly behind Sam at this point. The other members are off mobilizing troops and Pippin is grovelling to a new master.
10:45pm Sam gives his rations to Frodo, I make that into a shoutout by stealing some more M&Ms from Brian.
10:50pm Aragorn now has the sword and a fancy title to go with it.
11:00pm Merry wants to fight and looks cute doing it.
11:05pm My left ass-cheek has fallen asleep. Ugly orcs win a battle.
11:10pm My right-ass cheek has fallen asleep. Psycho steward hasn’t been hugged since Prince William’s death and decides to send Prince Harry off to certain death to overcompensate. I liked this scene. I actually felt sympathy for b-grade son, unlike a lot of the other heroes in the movie where I just feel detached from their pain. But I guess that’s why the “child can’t earn father’s love” scenario is such an oft-used plot bunny. This reminds me of something that happened in an episode of Blackadder, I just can’t put my finger on it though. So Pscycho Steward pigs out (I join him) in an ugly manner, and says to Pippin, “sing for me, bitch” So he sings a sweet-sounding song as Steward eats and bad son rides into certain death. Touching scene.
11:15pm Frodo and Sam have lover’s tiff, after Gollum sets up fatty by sprinkling crumb from discarded cookie on him. Ernie does this to Bert all the time. Shoutout! Frodo tells Sam he doesn’t love him anymore and to talk to the hairy foot girlfriend. He says Gollum is a real man, and leaves the set of Springer alone with Gollum as Sam is restrained to the bottom of the mountain by Steve the bouncer.
The three funny-looking blokes decide to rid off into a crack in the wall. The horses get scared, they see dead people, the dead people see them, words are exchanged, they want the dead people to fight with them, the dead people want dinner and a show upfront and eternal peace later. Terms are agreed.
One of the few goodguys with more than two lines that does die in the these movies says he won’t let Merry fight since he is too small. His daughter protests “He can’t fight, just because he is small?” I have seen some movies before, so I know she’s not just talking about Merry here. Am very clued in.
11:30pm After being sent to certain death by his father, Faramir is sent back return to sender by the Orcs. He certainly looks dead to me, but no wait! There’s no such thing as certain death for any good guys in this movie, so he starts twitching a bit. My ass is so inspired by this return from the dead against all odds, that both cheeks have awoken after falling asleep earlier. Psycho steward, says “that’s not my son, that’s Joan of Arc baybee!” Or maybe he thinks this a wooden horse of troy ploy by the orcs, where they send bad son back as a gift just to get inside the castle walls, so the orc army can bust out of dead son’s belly to massacre the people come nightfall. Regardless of the logic, it’s time for the smell of burning human flesh. Pippin’s argument that the guy moving around is still alive is dismissed as his Hobbit medical qualifications are not recognised in any districts outside of the shire.
Frodo gets led into Charlotte’s Web by Gollum. He’s in a lot of shit, but manages to scramble his way out. Sam gets all the way to the bottom of the steps then finds the discarded elven bread. So he starts climbing back up. WTF. What did he think happened to the bread in the first place? He accidentally ate it in his sleep? Stupid. Charlotte stings Frodo and in the spirit of the season offers the free gift-wrapping service. Sam the man has now arrived and is pissed off, fights hard and stabs Charlotte who toddles off. Play his music. He takes the ring here (I think) but some baddies bodysnatch Frodo.
11:40pm The major battle starts. I know they must have them in the movies, and it’s difficult to set them apart but all of the battles in the trilogy come across as very formulaic to me. Lots and lots of units fighting, good guys eventually start to get overwhelmed by huge enemy numbers until (Gandalf’s re-inforcements/big-ass trees/dead guys) arrive just in time to completely turn the tide of battle. After 10 hours, you feel like you’re going over the same ground with these battles. Especially since they don’t really seem to focus on the loss of humans in the aftermath. There are interesting parts inside of the battle though. The Orcs show they have some smarts with a great piece of psychological warfare by tossing the severed heads of the troops they killed earlier over the castle walls. Anyway, Merry and Eowyn are riding together. Having a hobbit in your pocket is a good way for her to fake her way past the army gender test. Merry looks like a hobbit hood ornament the way he is attached to the horse. That is a 100% CERTIFIED SHOUTOUT to me if I’ve ever seen one. The enemy has big elephants, but Gandalf isn’t as smart as me and doesn’t think to release the mice. A good guy dies, fo’ real this time. I am happy. His daughter quickly gets vengeance. The King, the 2 jokers and the dead guys come and whoop ass.
12:00pm Sam rescues Frodo after bad-guy miscommunication. They are still not getting on like lovers should though. So to spice up the relationship it’s off for some fun in the sun at picturesque Mt Doom. They have no water though, so Sam gives Frodo the last drop of his water. I take a big gulp of twin #2’s fanta to rub it in. Sam carries Frodo, since he has balls. Yay! Everyone fights some more. They burn the ring and the volcano erupts. The fellowship are all concerned about Frodo, I wonder if they even remember the fat kid who had to carry Frodo’s useless ass the whole journey.
12:20pm Winding up now. Ha! Love hobitses having a pillow fight, and al the fellowship coming in the room. I couldn’t help but make the international sign language signal for “spank dat ass” when Gimli came in the room. Bam chicka bam. Aragorn has coronation and Liv is there of course. Yay for everyone.
12:30pm Hobbits return to the shire. I really, really loved the hobbits returning after all this time and their great adventure, and still being no-ones among the other hobbits. I would’ve preferred if they ended the movie there with the 4 hobbits in the inn and Sam going over to Daisy. Frodo kisses Sam on the forehead.
Brian: *nudge nudge*
Twin #2: *wink wink*
12:40pm The End. Someone in front of us tried to start a standing ovation, but he only lasted one clap as no-one else joined in. haha! People shuffle out of cinema.
Me: “I don’t get it, why did Frodo go off to die on the ship at the end with the old people?”
Twin #1: “He didn’t go off to die, he left on the last ship to the immortal lands with Gandalf, Bilbo et. al.”
Me: “When did he decide that, how come Sam didn’t get to go?”
Twin #1: “Sam got married, Frodo was invited and wanted to leave.”
Me: “WTF? That’s crap. How come the others weren’t invited? I thought I had sat through 10 hours of trilogy to learn that everyone is important to the fellowship, you bow to no-one, yada yada, then they let some of the characters go off to an elitist land at the end, while others stay behind with no say or knowledge in the matter. It’s a crap way to end it. I should have left the cinema 5 minutes ago.”
Twin #1 “Let it go already, fag.”
Me: “I’m not bitching for the sake of it. I liked the movie quite a bit, it was the best of the trilogy easily, but I don’t like it ending that way, they could’ve done without it.”
Twin #1: “Sam goes on the real last boat after his wife dies to meet up with Frodo, so cop dem apples.”
Me: “That’s not what the movie told me. Wow, Frodo lets him visit once he's old and wrinkled. Wow! And he saves him a couple of pages at the end of the book! Wow, what a prince! Throwing a frickin' bone to his lapdog."
Twin #1: “Whatevah. Stop talking to me and calm down.”
12:45pm I say goodbye to everyone in parking lot and get inside my car. Wank.
12:50pm Arrive home.