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22nd February 2004

9:07pm: The photo session is now over. Really the wedding day was just a 12 hour long photo session, any smiling muscles are still sore and I doubt I will ever smile again.

Anyway, day started fairly early, got up around 8:00 to start getting ready, then got to the groom's place at about 9:30, we just chilled there for a while before grabbing some lunch and getting changed at about 11. Had a few photos before we were picked up. Limo got to the church at around 12:30. The church is strange, it's a beautifl big cathedral on these grounds in the city centre, which is also very close to Royal Perth Hospital. Because of this there are always weirdos, drunks and hobos hanging around on the church grounds all the time. When we pulled up, we were naturally greeted by on of these weirdos, a strange chick (who was possibly pregnant) carrying on about how good everyone looked and that she wanted to marry one of us too. Anyway, went inside and down to the front of the church and waited for the ceremony to start, the groom was getting a bit nervous at this point as you do. The bride and the rest of the party had started the walk down the aisle, and just as they were getting to the front we noticed the weird girl who greeted us out front had somehow gotten into the side of the church and was walking around down the front, we weren't in a position to kick her out at that stage, but the bishop managed to shoo her off to the side and relatively out of the way. Anyway, there were lots of prayers and stuff that I didn't know and didn't pretend to follow along with (they just seemed irrelevant to what was taking place, and it probably made the jewish groomsman next to me feel better to see me not following along) I did have to kneel down at all the appropriate times though, which is damn uncomfortable for a jolly giant like me, I spent a lot of time on my knees for jesus. Can you believe it? After this they got on the vows of the bride and groom, during which the weird uninvited chick off to the side started fumbling around in her bag, and as is tradition at weddings, pulled out a syringe and shot up some heroin. She soon got the shakes and passed out on her knees on the floor. She was off to the side down the front, where only the bridal party could see what was going on. The photographer had a hard time stepping over her prone body, since she was where he was shooting from. And it was very funny when the guests came up the front for communion to see their strange looks as they had no idea beforehand that there was an unconscious girl at the front of the church. Anyway, we finished up and left the cathedral, the best man found the weirdo's boyfriend and got him to drag her carcass out of the church. We then started with photos on the church grounds. I asked the bride about what happened, and she was just happy that the intruder passed so at least she couldn't cause a big disturbance, thought it was the best thing that could've happened in the end. photos, photos everywhere after this. Over 3 and half hours of photos, I was buggered by the end of it. Got to the hotel for the reception after 6 and went up to the hotel room for much needed drinks and a relax before reception at 7. Usual reception goings on, was weird having a whole room of people watching you eat though, especially since I wasn't feeling too great at that stage. Food wasn't that great, but service very good. Some of the speeches were alright, everyone who had to go up was shitting themselves. Not sure why, wedding speeches are piss easy, since there's so many jokes you can write about marriage with a captive audience that are desperate for anything resembling entertainment, they'll laugh at even the crappiest of speeches. It's like crowds at tennis matches, a player only has to kick or head the tennis ball and the crowd erupts like it's the funniest thing ever. The rest of the highlights included getting hipflasks as gifts so I could go out and fill up with spirits and stop drinking the godawful housewine, stepping on the toes of just about every innocent bridesmaid with my size 13s during the bridal waltz and having Uncle Desmond the Elvis impersonator grabbing on to my ass in the conga line. More photos and finally got out of there after midnight. Was interesting at some points and the time seemed to go pretty quick. Will send out some tux photos when they become available.

21st February 2004

12:34am: Tomorrow is Wayne's wedding
have gotten new shoes, socks, underpant and clipped nails as I am a v.good friend. Have to be at his house by 9:30am, wedding ceremony starts at 1pm. The reception is only one block away from the cathedral but doesn't start until 5pm. I will be very bored all day, that's going to be over 3 hours(!) of pictures after the wedding at various locations. I am not a professional model, I cannot handle such long and arduous photoshoots. It is true that the modelling industry isn't as glamourous as it seems. He also does not want me drinking tomorrow, in case I make a scene and embarrasss him. How can I last the whole day dry? It won't happen and is inhumane. I've told him that he can let me drink a reasonable amount and have a slightly quirky, oddball doggie entertain the masses, or he can try to explain the scene that him trying to physically restrain me from touching a bottle will cause.

10th February 2004

10:55pm: busy month - funerals, engagements, weddings, relatives visiting - there was a movie like this
Clayton's funeral was on friday afternoon, a whole lot of us from work left work early and was fair drive. The family tried to make it a casual celebration (no black etc) and it was good, as good as could be expected I guess. One of his friend's was MC and did an awesome job. Still, can't help but be terribly sad when a dead body is being carried out of the room. He was a mad Liverpool fan, so naturally they played "You'll Never Walk Alone" at the end of the funeral. That song gets me everytime, sad even at the best of times.

The wake afterwards was good, the family and Jen were great. Had lots to drink and a lot of us had a drunken game of football. Was wearing my work clothes and my shirt got ripped, but he was always so competitive, am sure he would've played in his work clothes too.

Am slowly piecing together what happened at the bucks night on saturday.
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30th December 2003

5:33pm: Barney?

27th December 2003

3:42am: post christmas roundup
had a decent christmas time this year, lots of alcohol consumed when relatives visited and bought my sisters better gifts than they got me, so I have the right to guilt and bully them for another 12 months. Went over to a friends house after family lunch and free-loaded off them also. Have probably put on lots of weight, will have to exercise sometime this weekend I guess, if i can get off my ass in this heat. Much alochol was consumed on the thursday, was good. Followed by the traditional karaoke expression session. The highlight of course being, my powerful and emotion rendition of Bon Jovi's (control yourself Susan) Always. I rocked the house and undoubtedly the laydees loved it. There was not a dry orifice left in the house by the time I had belted out the final note.

Has been an expensive december though, may do some overtime at work tomorrow depending on when I manage to wake up. Could do with some extra cash and have a heap of work piled up that I need to do too. Need to work out what to do for New Year's now. Am going to a function at the racetrack on New year's day, where there'll be copious amounts of heavy gmalbing, drinking, perving and petting. Not sure what is happening the previous night yet. Will see if someone can organise something to entertain me.

7th December 2003

3:39pm: Only because it would be unfair to not let you guys have the same opportunity to be mean that I had
Please be orderly, don't everyone flood my LJ at once.

Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
How long have you known me?
When and how did we first meet?
What was your first impression of me?
Do you still think that way about me now?
What do you think my weakness is? (it's okay if you don't think i have one!!!)
What makes me happy?
What makes me sad?
What reminds you of me?
If you could give me anything what would it be?
How well do you know me?
When's the last time you saw me?
Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
Do you think I could kill someone?
Describe me in one word.
Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?
Would you grope the large J-lo if you could? hell yes you would
What about the large boobies? yes b/c i say so

ETA: I had to take out that Billeh and porn thing, I don't think that applied to me. Should be more careful when c&p

21st November 2003

12:19am: Happy Birthday
to Mouse for yesterday

And to Jade for 11 months ago.

Have I squared the ledger now?

6th July 2003

5:07am: Went and saw the Hulk tonight, it was so damn pointless and boring I would have preferred to go and lose all my money at the casino. Which I went and did straight after, Hulk was still bigger waste of money though.
Current Mood: cough

4th July 2003

1:31am: Okay, so currently at work I have taken a step up from photocopy boy and I'm now an acting subpoena clerk. I like the acting part, to me that means I just have to act like I'm doing my job. Surely if they expected me to do work they'd have called my position a working subpoena clerk.

Have been unwell, think I have bronchitis. I keep coughing up green stuff. I am sick of the sight of all the green gunk and think I need a change. I'll drink a bottle of food dye for breakfast to make the gunk prettier. Any suggestions for a colour?

Also, got absolutely smashed in the jaw by an elbow at basketball tonight, all my back teeth are mashed/chipped and feel all jagged now. Probably have to see dentist soon, boo!

19th June 2003

10:33pm: I look alright if I combine them both.

Magic Number5
Likely To WinThe Respect Of My Colleagues
Me - In A WordEffervescent
Brought to you by MemeJack

Magic Number20
JobLeader of the Free World
PersonalityI'd Quite Like One
SexualWhatever, Whenever, Whoever
Likely To WinThe Wrath Of My Peers
Me - In A WordDevious
Brought to you by MemeJack

ETA: Does this one mean I'm supposed to be Clinton?

4th June 2003

6:34pm: Woo
Care package arrived today, thanks sweetie. I must've scared the postal service into action. Yummy choccie, but why did you send one of the finest pieces of american literature to me? Just because you work in a bookstore now, I'm expected to read?
Current Mood: touched

3rd June 2003

9:10pm: I spent almost all day at work sorting, photocopying and drilling a 2000 page legal brief.

Action is my reward.
Current Mood: jubilant

27th May 2003

4:47pm: Whilst I was shopping for some long pant today, i saw a cookie monster mobile at the shopping centre. I had to put my 40 cents in and have a ride-a-long, was much fun. In an unrelated story, I did not get the phone number of any hot girls today.
11:25am: kids nowadays
At work at the tv station on sunday, had two other chicks there working with me. One of which is a 17 year old girl on work experience who spent the whole day talking about all the girls she has made out with since she was 12 and the threesomes she as had. She even organised a threesome with the girl who is my tape operator and her 33 year old boyfriend right on front of me. Do I look like the pool cleaner boy or something? Was a bit uncomfortable with it all, never realised I was so out of touch and vanilla. Always took pride in the fact that the youngsters found me cool, but I am obviously a stuffy old man now.

But in good work news, have gotten a new job. Working at the Director of Public Prosecutions office doing office work, support for the lawyers, background checks and the like. Sounds fairly interesting, as during the interview they wanted to know if I get squeamish dealing with murder evidence and asked questions which anyone who has ever watched law and order would know the answer to. Apparently also want me to drive an 8 seater as part of the job, which has me wondering if i have to drive around a van full of criminals, hope they arm me to the teeth with pepper spray or something. Job is full-time and a 6 month contract and is based in the CBD, which is good. Start tomorrow so am excited, need to learn how to dress in long pants and tie.
Current Mood: productive

13th May 2003

2:45am: Respect to all the mothers, yo.
Have been laid low in bed most of the time since Thursday night with cold/flu/blocked sinusy something or other. Not good times, had mother's day brunch on sunday which consisted of a big bowl of fat, then went to work like the dedicated trooper that I am. Was supposed to go to friend's birthday later that night also, but wasn't up to it and thoughtfully decided not to spread diseases.

On the muppet front it was a huge weekend, with Kermit's Rainbow Connection video strangely popping up on a music video show at 3am. There needs to be more kermit playing the bango late at night. then on the Disney channel there was the original muppets movie and that other crappy muppet pirate movie. Stayed up most of last night watching the fucking Lakers comeback to beat the Spurs, boo! The Spurs better take care of homecourt or I will get very upset.

Feel a bit better after the muppet treatment and played basketball tonight, working up a sweat has probably done me some good.
Current Mood: moocusy

30th April 2003

3:06am: April roundup
hmm....not a great deal went on this month. Stupid car repairs cost a whole lot of money again. Took part in a focus group meeting that I do on semi-regular basis for a marketing company, which is a pretty sweet deal since they usually pay you around $60 to give your opinions on a certain subject for a couple of hours. They have free food and alcohol and usually they are to find out something anal like why do you like this brand of beer and such and such. This last one I went to a couple of weeks ago was an unusual one though. Was a group of dumb guys like myself and they wanted to find out views on rape and sexual assault. Was quite full-on as they presented different examples of social situations where a possible rape or sexual assault occurred and wanted to know our views on whether anything illegal took place. Was quite eye-opening in that it seemed most ordinary guys took a fairly sympathetic view to the males in the situations and wouldn't be comfortable in sending someone to prison unless there was it was a particularly violent assault. And was a bit scary to see how easily normal social situations can easily grow into misunderstandings and dangerous endings even without any bad intentions invovled. Particularly when alcohol is involved. Anyway, I was voted least likely to rape a girl out of all the guys in the group. My sensitive side shining through. Of course I was also voted least likely to get any.

Continuing the happy theme, my cat got run over and killed on Monday. I really have no idea what happened since I was at work/basketball at the time and didn't get home until 8:30 that night. But apparently it got run over a bit of a way up the street on its way to harrass the neighbours for food again, right after it was fed dinner. Didn't even get to see it, since the neighbour offered to bury it and did so before I even got home, so I was quite detached from the whole thing. Am okay about it though, it had a good run and was getting old and senile and really causing a lot of disturbances with the neighbours, constantly harrassing them for food even when we just fed it. We kept getting more and more complaints, but that to me suggests there could be some foulplay. Cat had a lot of enemies in our street and I'm sure a lot of them are happy to see it gone. Especially considering none of my family witnessed the incident and the cat's federal agency ties, it all seems a bit too convenient to me. Shall have to investigate, but first tonight I must urinate on my clothes in the wardrobe in honour of my fallen comrade. It was her favourite activity and she'd want to be remembered that way.
Current Mood: sleepy

26th April 2003

5:00am: I know I have issues with people posting song lyrics
but there can be only one exception.
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Current Mood: accomplished

30th March 2003

12:44am: Eep
Lots of rain and an electrical storm here tonight. Looks purty kewl, but power surges keep pissing me off, rebooting my pc and interrupting my viewing of late night poker. Love that game, need to learn how to play seriously. Must find where my Rounders DVD is hiding.

Was supposed to go out with friend tonight. He has a habit of almost dying, so didn't think it'd be a good idea to be out with him tonight. Knowing his luck, he'd attract the lightning and I decided not to be near him if that happened.
Current Mood: need more cowbell

27th March 2003

1:09am: Did not really watch the Oscars,
but if I did here’s what I would’ve said about them.


Pretty funny too see the crowd turn on Michael Moore after he got a standing o. It was like I was watching a good guy turn bad at a wrestling show. Still he must have known that wouldn’t go down well at that point in time. Especially since what he does, although very polished and innovative, is not really documentary in the true sense of the word. He gives his own version of the truth in his doccos and doesn’t do much to present both sides of the argument, so he can’t really have a go at the govt for doing the same thing. Still he’s an entertaining sumbitch, and usually takes on powerful targets, so he’s alright in my book. And yay for our Nicole. She has really kicked on after getting rid of lil’ Thomas. Shows how far a gal can further her career when she’s not being held back by cute, little gayboys. Not that I know anyone like that.

At work today we were going through a tape of one of Nicole's very first movies 'BMX Bandits'. We will be airing this movie in the next couple of weeks in honour of the oscar winner and it is quite amusing. Must remember to help the production guy to make a promo for this movie that pulls this piss sufficiently. Get this movie out if you have the chance.

Lost my mixed netball grand final on tuesday night. Got a bit pissed-off as my teammates kept barking orders at me despite the fact I was doing my best fucking superman impersonation out on the court. Not my fault the guy I was defending was Godzilla without the brains. Still lost again, am always destined to be the bridesmaid.

Team went out after the game for dinner and I think I was poisoned by a dodgy plate of carbonari. Not feeling too good at the moment and my chest is all congestedy. Maybe they gave me a case of that deadly asian flu. Still we were undercharged for the meal, so I can't complain.
Current Mood: blah

22nd March 2003

2:39am: Yet again....
Corporate greed has fucked me over and stolen my excellent ideas. I had this great idea before the war started to use e-commerce to make a few bucks. My idea was - latest score updates from the war in Iraq, messaged live through to people's cell phones every hour of the day. Just requires a nominal fee when they register for the service, and a charge of 40cents per update SMS will appear on their bill. Bush won't be the only one making a killing from the war in Iraq. Sorry, my bad pun warning system must be down.

As it turns out, I switch on the tv now and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen, you can get latest news from Iraq SMSed to your phone by calling a number. Bastards, that was supposed to be my target of opportunity to get rich quick.
Current Mood: chipper

15th March 2003

3:48am: Well, kitty is not a secret agent after all
What changed my mind on this, you ask. Well today I had a visit from my friendly neighbourhood officer from the animal shelter. Apparently I'm a bad daddy and have been neglecting the cat as there was a complaint from some freak who lives down the street.

Why would you do this stupid bitch? Sure, the cat makes loud, annoying whining sounds to get you to feed it most of the day. But not much I can do about that short of ripping its vocal chords out. Regardless, you sure as hell won't have to listen to it down at your temple if you didn't start feeding it or licking its ass or whatever you did to get it in your house in the first place. Can you not get it in to your thick head that when a cat gets over 15 years old, it starts to look old and scrawny. Where were you 2 years ago when my cat was the fattest on the block? Not everything looks like a fucking oil painting when it gets old y'know. Everything doesn't have to look pretty like that piece of shit, giant, blue, eye-sore of a vase-like statue you have displayed prouder than a honeymooners dick in your front yard. What the hell is that shit for anyway? Acts as a communications beacon so you can contact your alien brethren on the mothership I'm guessing.

Yeah that's right I'm on to the masterplan of you and your sick cult. Don't think I didn't see that huge, brightly coloured doggy door on your front door when I visited your house. And all the bowls of food on the front porch, it's obvious you are building a little mecca to attract all of the neighbourhood pets. You are such a pet whore, these animals are not your's. You think you can get all of them to march two-by-two through your enormous doggy door, then straight on to your ark in the backyard so you can repopulate the planet (or maybe the Planet Zanthor) after armageddon strikes? Well it's not happening on my watch, psycho! And my cat should be useless to you as it got snipped at birth, it won't be able to repopulate any planet! Whoops, I forgot, everyone in your cult had their genitals removed and frozen so they can travel back on the mothership and have them reattached using the technology on Planet Zanthor, so you can be assured of purity and freshness when continuing on the line of species.

I'll find some way to stop your evil plan. You looked pretty old when you answered the door today, since you don't look 100% maybe I should call up social services and let them know that you are being neglected. Yeah, I saw the wrinkles (your sect leader isn't injecting enough botox in your daily bowl of gruel?) and your breath didn't smell too good (hitting the nectar of the gods real hard last night huh, or was it the mothership's rocket fuel?) I think I'm going to report that, see how you like it. You're just lucky I'm a happy, well-balanced individual, or I could've gone nuts and threatened to sue over your callous accusations.

Mouse and jadelynne, you'll be able to give character witnesses that I make a fine daddy if they haul me up in front of the kitty owner tribunal?
Current Mood: pritty pissed orff

13th March 2003

3:05am: Well I managed to get in contact with my awol friend last night. He was rushed to the hospital on the weekend with severe vomiting as it was believed his immune system was trying to reject something with his intestine as he had part of it removed a while back. Not sure quite the reason for it, but he was very ill and needed to be put on a drip. He got better and was released on Monday, but the main point of this rant is about the health system and hospitals here.

They really are a complete joke. He said the first two nights he was there he spent on a small trolley (he's almost as tall as me) out in the corridor, he couldn't get a bed until the third night there and was kicked out the next day. Could not get washed or even given a wet cloth to clean himself up with even though he was reeking from the vomit and 40 degree days. The nurses wouldn't let him take his important medication for his original digestive system illness and subsequent surgery as no doubt they were concerned about lawsuits if there were complications from giving him a drug they weren't 100% sure about (even if desperately needed it and could suffer kidney damage if he doesn't take it regularly) Some of the nurses had not even heard of the drug before. Then on top of that, his parents had to spend almost two hours in a waiting room to visit before screaming at someone to find out which room he was staying in on the third day.

And most of this is a result of him not being allowed to get private health cover (he says he can't get it as he has an existing condition) which seems ridiculous. I can understand not being able to get complete coverage, but since you need private health coverage to be treated like a human being in most hospitals over here, surely you can get coverage to some extent? Especially if you have a condition which means you'll likely be needing a room as you'll be spending time in hospital. Seems ridiculous, as I'm not sure if it's just the health system being completely fucked, or he hasn't been forceful enough to know what he can and can't get from the health insurance providers. May have to look in to this myself. Still, your probably better off being in a hospital in Baghdad at the moment than being hospitalized in Perth.

11th March 2003

1:35pm: this is another post
Since my loyal readers last joined me on my fantastic voyage not a great deal has happened. Last week went to my friend's engagement party, had quite a fun time actually which surprised me a bit. Was at the home of the bride's parents, very fancy establishment. Highlights of the evening included the drunken priest stumble through his speech, constantly forgetting the name of the groom-to-be and his parents and the obligatory "you kids today have no morals" rant. But he was just the lead-up act to the true star of proceedings, crazy uncle Desmond who kept the crowd bopping along well in to the wee hours, starting with a heartfelt ditty welcoming us all into their family. He then moved on to play a bevvy of Elvis tunes on the trusty acoustic guitar and moved through a few requests before finally finishing with the ever-popular "I Like to Play With My Ding-A-Ling" as the final encore. I would mention that is my song, but really it's more than that, to me it's a way of life. There was much eating, drinking and dancing, and I managed to spike the drinks of many of the young kiddies running around the party to keep myself entertained the whole time. I live to corrupt the youth. The happy couple used our gift this weekend and enjoyed themselves at the hotel very much living it up like royalty.

Well moving on to last weekend the heat was scorching hot here in Perth. Three days in a row of over 40 degrees celsius (fucking hot for those who need a conversion from Fahrenheit) and it's supposed to be Autumn now. Meant I didn't stray far from the air-con on the weekend. Went to work on Monday, lots of strange stuff goes on there. Heard a story that last week a new weather presenter's mic was left open when ads were airing and the statement "no-one watches this fucking station anyway" could clearly be heard on air. Ha! I love that place, everyone is just so incompetent. Was the only regular guy on my shift this Monday, as one of the guys as left to go over East and my partner in crime was doing some acting out in the countryside. The female presenter/voice-over girl who usually hangs out with us and cops most of our harassment, made the comment that it wasn't the same without the other two guys there. And said that we were like chinese takeaway in that I was the spicy chicken, the other young guy was the noodle and the old bloke who left was the prawn cracker. Analogy amused me anyway, although I can't imagine I need other people to be entertaining (although I guess the chicken is the best part), I'm a one man party dammit! I think a more accurate description would have been I was Larry and the other two were Curly and Mo, who were just there so I could crack their heads together for a laugh. Or was Larry the gay Stooge? I don't really know. Still am fond of girl as she brings us in choccie to eat at work every week. Why doesn't everyone do that?

Played my basketball semi-final last night and we got thrashed, was very tired and angry at the end of the game. We won the past two seasons, so fell short of our three-peat. One of my friends was supposed to play and we normally travel down to the game together, but couldn't get in contact with him last night. Am a tad worried as he has a history of serious illness and was currently needing to take important medication after an operation in which he had a chunk of his intestines removed. He also has some kind of mesh inside him to support his stomach from collapsing. He would always call me if he was going to miss a game so concerned he may have had to go back into the hospital again. Will have to try to find out what happened again tonight.
Current Mood: devious
12:16am: .
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